Recap of the Year

It's December, the last month of the year.  Let's take a look back at the year, and let's go month by month...

January--Todd had just bought me my first horse for Christmas, I went with a friend to the Pacific Northwest Endurance Riders Conference the middle of January and learned a ton of things about my sport.  It was a good kick off to the year.  Also, my oldest had just turned 11.  I can't believe she is getting so big,

February-- Hmmm, what happened in Feb??  Oh!  I started this blog.  I had just started to condition my new horse and get to know her.  I had big plans to do two 50 mile rides this year.  But,  she was a freak and wouldn't stop spooking!! We were out riding by ourselves and I was sure I was going to end up on the ground with something broken.  I wasn't impressed with my new horse, but was trying to stick it out.

March--I quit the life I had lived for nearly 3 years.  I quit cleaning and grooming, and anything to do with the professional horse world.  I learned it is cut throat, even those that seem nice will smile sweetly while stabbing you in the back.  It is a disgusting world and even though losing friends that I  thought I had, it eliminated all the drama in my life.  It was a hard lesson though, but necessary,  and I ended up moving my horse to a different barn that had an arena in hopes to be able to show and sell her.  This month I also met new horse people, kind people, trust worthy people...even though I didn't know it yet. These horse people are different, they encourage each other to ride their horses, be better moms, wives, people, they are encouragers and don't talk mean about others behind their backs. This was the month of a lot of change, I am thankful for this month!

April--A month of healing.  Rode a lot, took homeschooling my kids at my own pace.  It was weird to have a ton of free time, but this is where I was learning that my life needed balance and I hadn't had it for a long time.  I chose my kids over horses, the way it should be.  We had a particularly warm April and we spent a lot of time at the beach this month.  I learned to savor the moment.  It was a good month.

May-- More healing, more riding.  Finished up schooling for the year and played outside with my girls often.  Did a lot of fishing.  A month to enjoy family.

June-- I took Reagan horse camping, Todd spent time with Heidi, it was wonderful calm before the storm.  The next several weeks I took friends and family out trail riding every chance I could and we enjoyed the warm days and togetherness.  This month my sister in law, who was so much more than that title,  took her own life.  She suffered from bipolar disorder and she had been struggling with depression for quite some time.  It felt as though I was punched in the gut when I received the news.  It has been 5 months, I am starting to feel normal but I still have sad days.  How do you explain to anyone what it is like to lose someone you love that much?  I too, struggle with depression, and I realize how important it is to be on my medication.  My sister hated taking meds, if she would have taken them, she would still be alive today.  I have to add that in because, in our church world...many Christians do not believe in medication or that depression really exists.  Wake up people, it exists and yes, the proper medication can change lives for the better. *steps off of soap box*

July--Well, to be honest...July is a weird haze.  I don't know how I got through it or remember much about that month.    I rode my horse once I think, before she rolled and got her leg caught up in electric rope and then was lame...for the next 5-6 weeks.  Not much riding.  But tons of taking the kids out to the lake for tubing.  That was fun, especially when you learn that your family means more to you than you ever realized.  That comes to light after losing someone.

August--More of the same.  My friend Leslie was here (after moving to South Carolina) and her mother wasn't doing well, I hung out with her.  I didn't have anything else to do and I missed my friend, we spent a lot of time at the hospital.  Todd was gone on a trip and the girls were in Alaska, so it was good that I had something to do. ;-)  I actually think this was the end of July and August but those months are so hazy and I didn't blog much, I can't really remember everything.  Oh!  We had a family wedding we attended, that was so nice, a great change of pace in the middle of dark grief.  We laughed a lot and it was a beautiful wedding.  I was so thankful we were able to go.

September--I put my kids in public school.  One thing I can say about grief, sometimes you do what you need to do to survive it.  Going through this and mourning my sister in law, I have much mercy for others...you haven't a clue what kind of battles people are fighting.  Everyone has battles, everyone has a story...I am not saying that we all should act like victims, but I am more quick to hand people the grace and mercy I wish they would bestow upon me.  Oh, and I moved my horse to a different barn...more of that lying horse people crap...this time I already knew it...you can only ride that train so long before the crazy gets directed at you.  Now I am at a private acreage, it is quiet and literally NO DRAMA.  I just need my own horse trailer in the worst way.

October-- Learning about my kids being in school, still busy...just of different sorts.  Working in the school when I can and going to meetings for the school every chance.  The public school curriculum leaves a lot to be desired. There is cursing in the Springboard 6th grade literature book.  Crying shame, so much good lit out there, sad what they are giving to our kids.  It has given the girls and I much to talk about, never a dull moment at the dinner table.  For once I get to be my oldest daughter's heroine instead of fighting with her constantly when helping her with her school work.  I also went to a wine and ride camping trip with a friend over in Yakima.  It could have been better...but it was still fun!  My brother in law came up with a few of his kids and did a hunting trip with Todd, I hated seeing them go, tried not to cry too much as they got in the truck and headed back to the airport.  I look forward to seeing them next August.  Love my family!

November--My birthday month, I am now 36.  I don't feel like it though, I still think I am in my late 20's.  Although, the silver in my hair that is showing up says differently.  My body doesn't bounce back like it used to either.  Youth is wasted on the young for sure! 

This month, on my birthday actually...we ended up in the hospital with my youngest daughter, Reagan.  She had double pneumonia, had we waited any longer to take her in, we could have easily lost her.  We spent a full 7 days in the hospital.  So many people came together across the nation praying for our little girl.  We thank everyone for their prayers and we thank our heavenly Father for healing her.  She is nearly 100% back to normal...and she is back at home with me homeschooling.  She'd been asking to come home, and I can't risk her getting sick again at school.  It will be a while before her immune system is back to normal. 

We also had our family over for Thanksgiving.  It was warm and wonderful, we always enjoy having them, lots of laughing and playing cards, lounging around, what more can you ask for???  Hoping to have more of the family for Thanksgiving next year.

December--House is decorated! Tree is up, it is the ending of another year.  Thanking the Lord for a beautiful roof over our heads and heat in this cold season. 

 Over all for us here, it has been a pretty S*@$#&% year!  Sorry, but that is all there really is to describe what our family has been through.  But also, so much to be thankful for!  I have made new and wonderful friends, for those new beginnings, I am thankful. 

 Something I have learned this year, I am a capable mother.  I am!  Going through all of this has brought me to this.  I carried the weight of the children's education solely on my shoulders and cared so deeply what other thought about where my kids went to school it made me physically ill.  To feel like you have to ask permission to do anything or put your kids in any school is ridiculous and I don't need that burden on me anymore.  My family is Todd and I, then the kids.  What we do with our kids is our business.  We are responsible to the Lord for how we raise them, and no one else.  Will people talk?  Yep.  They will.  But, this year has helped me to grow a thick skin, and I really do not care.

I had a dear friend share with me what she thought of me pulling Reagan out of school, and how I shouldn't do that.  All of the sudden, I realized that I didn't really care what she thought.  I also didn't worry about our relationship if I did it and she didn't agree.  I realized that it is absolutely exhausting caring about what other people think.  It is much easier doing what Todd and I feel is best.

It has been a hard year.  But, all of these things beginning with leaving the horse world until now has been an ongoing lesson for me.  I started this blog talking about my journey to Tevis, but this year really was my journey through grief and to freedom.  Next year...I begin my journey to Tevis.  I really do plan to do 2 50 mile rides, and won't you cheer me on?  I hope to blog more since I am feeling a little better.  Looking forward to a more positive 2015.