Late February Snow

Weird weather!

I was up at 4 am and didn't notice the snow outside until I came out of the office at 7am to wake the kids up for school.

Struggle

I got a really sweet text from my late sister in law's mom yesterday evening. I went to work at 1pm  and didn't see it until I got home at almost 10 pm. I didn't bring my phone in with me to work yesterday. I might be the only person in history left who a) doesn't have an Iphone, and b) doesn't know where my prehistoric phone is half the time, and the other half of the time it isn't charged. Drives some of my friends batty, but I yearn for days in the past when people weren't so 'connected'. They might be connected online, but we live in an age where the deep human connection  and interaction doesn't really exist, and people's random thoughts are conditioned to be their next social media status update.

I write on here, but I am not sure I really care to be on Facebook or any other social media site. I was off 3 years ago and got back on to connect with family after Jenny passed.

So, I am up at 4 am writing this particular post. The text that Jenny's mom wrote me was saying how she prayed for me and asked me how I was doing in regards to Brad's new girlfriend. ( Can I just add how much I love Jenny's family?! Who has a relationship with their sister in law's mom or sister?? Truly, they are my family! They are so special to me!)

Brad's new relationship is where I struggle, and it really has nothing to do with her.

It doesn't matter that I struggle or what my feelings are, honestly. But, here I can try and write to figure out my own grief and reservations. Bear with me as I navigate through uncharted territory.

 Jenny and Brad were some of the few closest friends as married couple to married couple that we had. But, it was special because they are/were  family. So bringing in a possible new sister in law leaves me struggling to figure out what that new relationship will be like. As married couples or even individually. Or if there will be one at all? I have a sister in law in Canada, I only see her at family gatherings but never talk to her any other time. I don't dislike her in anyway, but we aren't warm and cozy. Since we live our lives way here out in Seattle, I think I am sad that there is a good chance it will be a relationship similar to my sister in law in Canada. Being realistic, I know the time I have with my preteen and teenage kids is coming to an end, and how much running around I do for them. Between my husband, kids, work, and friendships I have here that I also need to nurture, I dont think I will have the time or energy to put into creating a deep bond with someone so far away.  I am not dismissing it in any way before it begins, I am just wading through all my thoughts. I am also sure it is the same on her end. I know Jenny is gone. I know I won't see her again here on earth. I just didn't expect to grieve so hard moving forward. I grieved the loss of a relationship individually, and I grieve the loss of our relationship as a couple and I didn't see that coming. It's the last layer of grief to deal with.

Saying goodbye to these things is hard. I woke myself up crying in my sleep last night. I had a dream I was telling a friend how I felt and I couldn't really get the words out to explain why I was grieving or the deep sorrow I felt. I just remember my friend grabbing my hands and rubbing them in between theirs in my dream and there were no words exchanged, but it comforted me.

It's getting easier and I am not crying every other minute, thank goodness!!! It's embarrassing to get to work and not be able to control it. My boss sent me home last Friday because I was a weeping mess. I can talk about it now without crying, mostly 😜. Then the closing song at church last Sunday morning was 'It Is Well With My Soul.' They played that at Jenny's funeral and every time I hear it, it makes me a little emotional. Especially remembering Brad weeping with one arm around Ari who was whaling and one arm stretched out to heaven as we sang it between sobs and tears running down our cheeks.

We simply were not made to grieve. It's a consequence of sin. So, I praise the Lord for my brother who has found a new love in his life. He has a twinkle in his eye that I haven't seen in a long while, and that fills my heart with gratitude and joy.

I'm just struggling to figure out where I fit in all of it, or if I don't, I suppose either is just fine. I'm grieving what was, and that's OK too, it never will be again. But it is Brad's joy that comforts my broken heart. It's OK to wade through these emotions, I loved deeply and I hurt because of it and I would not take it back.

Cheers to moving on to a new season of life! Even though it comes like a conveyor belt, moving forward continuously, whether I am ready for it or not.

Sunny Day

Got a lot accomplished today! I am thankful to work evenings mostly, so that I can get things done during the day and spend time with the family.

The girls and I left the house at 9am to go get hay. They like to come with me because the place where we get hay has really good icecream. They finished their homework in the car on the way over.

Got home at 11am and unloaded hay. It was such a nice day, Todd and I loaded up the back of the truck and ran a bunch of stuff down to the dump. It's nice to get rid of stuff and make room. Todd tweaked his back loading so we made a trip also to the chiropractor.

Then, when we got back I ate lunch and cleaned the pasture. I love being in the pasture cleaning on days like today.

Look at those pretty Arabian faces!

I love this breed! They are smart, sensitive,

And in my opinion, more beautiful than most 

Other breeds.

Pretty Leila. My most brave and curious horse.

Sweet ponies!

This is Daisy Mae. She supervises my work,

Makes sure it's done to her liking.

Always hanging out keeping me company

While I clean.

Things Kids Say...

2 Posts in 2 days...good grief! But, I am not on Facebook, and don't plan to be on anytime in the near future, so I have to write down and keep some of the things my kids say!

Even though I have older kids they still say the craziest things!

Reagan (11 yrs  old): "Hey, Heidi... Today in school, we learned about John F. Kennedy. He was assasinated. His wife wore the dress that had his blood on it all day. They say he was handsome, but...I saw a picture...no way. Can you believe he was assassinated? Oh, and he was a Democrat."

Heidi (14 yrs old): "Yeah, even so...doesn't make it right..."


Aaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!   Whhhhhaaaaatttt????? Oh my. We have some work ahead of us. Grace, mercy and humble pie anyone????

Kids living in a massively conservative, Reagan loving, Trey Gowdy following home. Must instill that we are all equal and equally valued by our most high God!!!


😂😂😂😂😂

Work to do.

Processing...

My brother in law, whom I dearly love like my very own brother, texted me a couple of weeks ago.  Maybe it wasn't that long ago, but it feels like it. He has some amazing news to share.

This is my brother that lost his wife to suicide nearly 3 years ago, he was left raising 15 kids on his own.  Who has a story like that?  Well...he does...we do...it happened to him and he lives it everyday, but it also happened to all of us.

Many people don't like their in-laws.  Many people do not have close relationships with their in-laws,or barely know them.  That isn't the case with ours.  We love each other deeply.  My sisters-in-law have poured into my life.  First and foremost, we have Christ in common. We have been pregnant together, been to each other's weddings, discussed parenting methods and information of what works and what doesn't, cried with us over marriage issues (or less things like our kid's feelings being hurt), and grieved together.  

What is this amazing news?  He has found someone and has been dating her privately for the last 3 months!  Ok...first off...how amazing is this woman to not high-tail it out of there when she finds out he has 15 kids???  She is a lover of Jesus!!! And, of course, Brad is moving towards marriage.  He would never invest his children's hearts unless he was thinking it was a for sure deal.  A new sister in law to love!  It's pretty exciting!

I couldn't be more excited for him.  Truly.  Someone to do life with!  He loved being married, and he loved Jenny well.  He deserves to be loved and cherished.  I have a few thoughts about this in retrospect.  It must be interesting thinking about spending life with someone who is healthy/well, not that he ever faulted Jenny for being sick!  But, it had to be exhausting mentally at times worrying about her and her harming herself.  We all kept watch and made our minds up to inform each other if we saw her illness spiraling out of control.  I remember one day praying for her while I was doing the dishes. I was worried about being all the way here in Seattle and not being able to get to her, or notice if she was on the downward side of her illness.  Then I said to myself...God loves her more than me, He will take care of her. God could have stopped my sister from suicide.  But He did not.  I will see her in heaven again.  She is there with a new and perfect body, and I am glad she isn't suffering anymore.

I think being all the way over here on the West coast and not living near them makes grieving a more drawn out process.  Every day, my brother in law gets up and takes care of his family and every single day she is not there.  For me, I am still in the process of...say...if I were to go to visit in their town, I still have to mentally prepare myself that when I step into the house, she will not be there to greet me like she always had been.  Since she has passed, there still is not one, single day that I do not think of her. I miss her terribly, she was one of my most favorite people and one of my best friends.  How lucky am I to have a sister in law like that?  But, even though I know in my head she is gone, I don't live with that reality blaring in my face every day.

So, that being said...after I got my brother in law's news, first I was super happy!!!  Really???  This is amazing!!!  God had given Brad the desire in his heart to be married again and then is providing for him!!!  Very awesome.  Then in the very next second I am bawling like a baby!  Why??  Change is hard!  Brad and Jenny were a unit, they were one and yes they are family...but they are some of our very best friends.  My mind thinks...will it ever be like that again?  Will I ever have that connection again with Brad and his new wife?  I think there is a little fear there, or just hesitation of letting go of what was.  It's another loss.  Or, more like really, really having to let go for good.  I'm  just getting used to the idea of not having her here, just settling into that and accepting that change... and then being catapulted into another change that seems so final.  My heart breaks for Jenny's sister 100 times worse than my own feelings!  I know she is going through the roller coaster of emotions.  She has played the role of a mother to those kiddos from the very beginning.  She loves each of them like her very own, and with the change comes a huge unknown, and that can be scary and difficult.

It has opened a new layer of grief.  A title wave actually.  Have you ever cried so much that your eye lids are so poofy and it  looks like you barely have eyelashes?  Ugh.  For the last couple of weeks I have random outbursts of tears.  My husband is very kind and patient with me.  Please know that my grief is completely separate and unrelated to how happy I am for my brother in law.  Even so, it doesn't matter one iota what I think! It isn't any of my business. It is his life, it's just so kind of him to share it with us, we love him and the kids so much.

We welcome a new sister with open arms.  We give all we have to give, even though it could mean getting hurt.  Grieving like this means I loved greatly, and I wouldn't take it back, I wouldn't change a thing.  What a wonderful gift to have someone in your life that you have that sort of relationship/friendship with and have it fully reciprocated.  I loved her like David loved Jonathan.

Nothing will replace her.  But I am looking forward to possibly doing life with a new sister!  It's not how I thought it would turn out, but God wasn't surprised.  He has already written Brad's story.  I am excited to see it unfold.

So for now, I am processing all this new and exciting information.  I'm still battling grief, that's ok...my Lord cries with me.  I will be able to conquer all these emotions with time.

Horse Show at Sandamar

Reagan did her first horse show up in Poulsbo at my friend Julie's place, Sandamar Farms. It's super low key and  just perfect for kiddos to get started in horse shows!

Reagan had so much fun with her horse Payton.  She says she wants to go again, so...we probably will. :-)

Beautiful February Day

It was a gorgeous day today, some friends and Reagan and I met out at Alpine to ride! I hadn't been on Leila in a while because of work and Reagan healing, but we are back at it!

Lots Going On

There has been a lot going on in the last couple of weeks. My Parents, sister and great nephew came for a visit to celebrate my great aunt's 90th birthday.

This is Landon. My sister's grand baby. He's a pretty cute little guy. He enjoyed seeing, petting, and feeding all the animals on the farm. Goshen, the goat was his favorite.

While they were here, my other aunt who lives in Coeur d' Alene, Idaho was admitted into the hospital with double pneumonia. We nearly lost Reagan to that 2 years ago. My aunt Teri had pneumonia pretty bad, but even worse they did a cat scan and found out she was covered in stage 4 cancer from her brain, down her spine, in her lungs, in her liver...everywhere. She passed a few days later. She was 57 years old. So my parents extended their stay and we drove over to the funeral. My cousin, Randy facilitated it, and gave an amazing message of salvation. We will see her again. Sad and unexpected those are hard to absorb, but I am thankful she knew the Lord and is in a far better place.

On the way back we had a 2 hour delay for avalanche maintenance at the beginning of snoqualmie pass. The kids were bored to tears so we broke it up by doing Chinese firedrills...

The kids loved looking at the snow. 

Then in better news, Reagan is back riding since her bad accident! She asks to go every time the sun peaks out. So thankful to have my riding buddy back! I have missed her!!!

We live a blessed life. So thankful!