Remembering the Good Things

I have been remembering more things about my sister in law.  I was thinking recently of how we met.  Todd and I were dating.  I had just turned 20.  For some reason, Todd decided that after I turned 20, that would be a good time to tell his family that he was dating me.  19 sounded a little young for a man who had just had his 31st birthday, so he introduced me shortly after turning 20.  His mom was chatting with me over the phone, she had time to talk as she was recovering from a surgery.  I don't really remember what it was for, a hernia or something.  She was asking me some questions, and when my birthday was...I said..."November 8th."  "Oh," She replied..."That is Jenny's birthday, Brad's wife..." and we had an immediate connection.

Todd bought tickets for me that December after I turned 20 to come and meet his family.  I flew into Minneapolis, and we drove all the way to Hudson, Iowa...3 hours away.  Everyone was having dinner that night at his parent's  house.  Todd is the oldest of 5, everyone was looking forward to meeting me, they couldn't believe Todd was actually bringing a girl home to meet the family. 

When I walked in, it was a bit overwhelming.  It seemed to be a lot of them, especially with me only having 2 other siblings in my family, and Todd having 4 with 2 of them already married with 2 children each.  Someone mentioned when they saw me that I must be as tiny as Jenny.  So immediately they made me stand back to back with her to calculate our height.  So here were, standing back to back, and she was maybe 1 inch taller...the short ladies of the family, well...at least I was the "to be" family.  That was the first time I met her. 

She was quiet.  A little shy, very reserved and didn't talk a whole lot.  She was a listener and she smiled a lot.  Even though she didn't say much she put you at ease with her sweet demeanor and sparkling brown eyes.  She was beautiful and I was intrigued by her even then.  We spent New Year's Eve 1998 with them in Minneapolis in their little apartment building.  We went to go see a Christian concert that night, pretty sure Steven Curtis Chapman was there along with Aaron& Jeoffery and then finished off the evening saying Happy New Years in the hot tub in the gym of their apartment building.

Before we left, we spent a little time with them.  I was impressed with her mothering skills even then.  Her oldest Sebastian was only 2 and Gabriel was just 1, I appreciated her style of parenting and later it would greatly influence my own, and I take to heart many, many conversations we have had over the years in way of parenting and marriage.

One of the things I remember most about her was when were there visiting for Christmas.  Todd's cousins Craig and Darlene were there spending time as well (we have a large family, and we are all very close, truly...I love all of them!!  We are so blessed!!)  Darlene had just had her first baby, a little girl named Moriah.  The entire time Craig and Darlene were there, Jenny would scoop up newborn baby Moriah and hold her the entire time.  I watched her, and that was very interesting to me.  I myself am not much of a baby person, and to watch her anytime Craig and Darlene were around, constantly holding their baby... you could tell she had a heart especially for children.  But that was just a tiny peek into Jenny's heart.  She truly LOVED all babies, all children, that was just the very tip of the iceberg in getting to know her.

Over the years I got to know her more and more, her passion was for her family, her husband and her children.  All children she cared about, so much so...if she could save the entire world of hurting children she really would have.

 I knew her when she was healthy and I knew her when she was sick.  Lately God has been reminding me of some simpler days, showing me glimpses of my sister in law in easier times, I am thankful for all of it.  I loved her deeply.

I am not sorry for loving her so much.  Is there any way to be, really?  It was an honest relationship.  We laughed a lot, cried together, disagreed fiercely, have had moments where we needed to apologize to each other.  We have seen each other in our absolute worst behavior, in our worst and ugliest way of being and loved each other anyways.   I have loved others with that same kind of love thinking it was the same sort of relationship as my sister in law Jenny, and realized it wasn't reciprocated and I have been horribly wounded by it.  But, it just makes me realize what special relationship I had with her, and with other sister in laws that I have.  I don't think I really, really knew how precious they were until she died, and now it is gone.  It does make me cherish and nurture the ones I do have and I do realize that relationships such as those don't come around often, and to treasure the ones I have.

I will never regret being that open and transparent with a dear friend, what a special friendship to share that together.  I miss her terribly.  I think about her every day.  My daughter said something funny that she would have enjoyed and I went to grab the phone to call her and then realized that I can't.  It is just so abrupt when someone you love so dearly dies.  I hate even saying that!  But she lives in heaven, and has a new body and I give thanks to the Lord every day for that!!

I am thankful that some of the ugliness of the tragedy is fading and I am remembering the sweeter times.  I am thankful to remember my sister in law with sparkling big, brown eyes and her warm smile.  I have a number of books on my bookshelf that she has sent to me over the years with her writing in it.  Many years I would be chatting with her about something, not really know if she was participating in the conversation as she was so quiet.  But she was listening and caring, and usually the next week I would get a book in the mail pertaining to our conversation with a little note jotted down in it from her stating that she thought it might help in light of our conversation.

I am thankful I kept some of those books.  I know I hadn't kept them all, and trust me...there were many!!  Jenny and her reading!!!  What a smarty pants lady, could whip through books and retain information like nothing I have ever seen.

Those memories make me smile.  I had to write it down while I am remembering.  There will most likely be more blogs just like this one.  I don't want to forget her in her finest.  I am thankful for getting to be in this family and having the opportunity to be her sister in law.  What a blessing she was to me and I will miss her and love her forever.

If you have someone you love deeply and appreciate their friendship.  Don't take them for granted.  Love deeply and tell them so.  Hug them when you can and don't take for granted the days  you have with them, you never know when they could be your last.  Take care of your relationships with people, they are so precious.  Enjoy the people around you.

Standing on His Promises

   Last night I woke up early in the morning.  It was almost 2am.  I couldn't go back to sleep, my heart was burdened for my Brother-in-law's children.  So, I laid in bed and prayed for them, each by name.  One more specific than others.   My heart still aches, and as I prayed, grief washed over me.  Still I can't believe this happened to our family.  Just then, a song that we sang growing up in church and over the years popped into my head.  I haven't sang it for a long time and  I couldn't remember all the words but the chorus was there.  I decided to read the hymn this morning and play it on the piano.  As I read that hymn, every word in there was true to what I am going through, but a vibrant reminder of God's promises to us and I am thankful to the Lord for bringing it to mind.  The hymn goes like this...

Verse 1 "Standing on the promises of Christ my King, through eternal ages let His praises ring, Glory in the highest I will shout and sing, Standing on the promises of God"
Chorus
Verse 2 "Standing on the promises that can not fail, When the howling storms of doubt and fear asail, By the living Word of God, I shall prevail!  Standing on the promises of God."
Chorus
Verse3 "Standing on the promises of Christ the Lord, Bound to Him eternally by love's strong cord, Over coming daily with the Spirit's sword, Standing on the promises of God."
Chorus
Verse 4 "Standing on the promises I can not fall, Listening every moment to the Spirit's call, Resting in my Savior as my all in all, Standing on the promises of God."

I know God spoke to me and reminded me of that song, just as he reminded me of 1 Peter 5:7.  It is in these turbulent times, we draw close to God.  Sometimes He seems so distant.  But these days He speaks to me often.  Being in His Word and reading is the way He communicates with us, and if you are still, He brings to mind these songs and other verses you have hidden in your heart.

The end of that song is so comforting. "Listening every moment to the Spirit's call, Resting in my Savior as my all in all!"

I am listening to Him.  But even more importantly, I am learning to rest in Him.  Grieving is painful and heavy to our souls, we need to learn to rest in Him.  We can do that by remembering His promises to us. 

As I drove the kids to school this morning, I was thanking God for Him speaking to me.  Just then that song came on that speaks everything I feel and I became a weepy mess.  Not bad weeping, just overcome with thankfulness for my faith and Christ's love sort of weepy.  I am sure my kids think I am crazy.  But they roll with it, I love my kids!

Just giving thanks to the Lord this morning.  So many people are suffering in the world, but no problem is too small or too big for God to handle, and He cares for each one of us individually. 
If you think of our family, please continue to pray.  We so appreciate your prayers, each one.

Never say Never

I had a good 2-3 weeks where I was just down.  Literally.  The grief hit so hard I had a hard time getting out of bed.  I really hate feeling like that, but I realize that grief comes in waves and it really will come and go and I won't feel like that forever.  This week, I am feeling much better.  I don't have a dark cloud hanging over my head, and the girl's squabbles over who fed the dog last isn't making me dissolve into tears and I am able to handle the little things again.  This year will be a year of firsts for all of us.  I can't even imagine how my brother in law is handling it, or Jenny's mom, or sisters.  They have a grief all their own and I pray for them daily as they lean on God moment by moment to get through the day.  It has only been 2 months but it feels like forever.

Lots of changes in our life this year.  None that I am super proud of, really.  I feel like I have failed miserably, but when I am feeling down...I am just trying to keep my head above water.  Our kids are going to school this year, the public school down the way.  I will be volunteering 3 days a week, and 2 days a week I will be riding (conditioning) my horse with a friend in the mornings.  I think having some goals and getting into a rigid routine this year will help me heal. 

We have other plans for next year, but are taking things day by day.  I don't feel like I need to explain myself to anyone really for the choices that Todd and I are making.  We are responsible before God for the raising, training, and educating of our kids...not anyone else.  So, basically if anyone has opinions, save your breath and worry about your own family. 

I said I would never put my kids in public school.  I also said I would never marry a military man.  Well, those weren't my exact words, they were actually much more harsh...but...I am learning never to say never.  Because you haven't a clue what kinds of things life will throw at you.  But, God is so much bigger than anything we go through. His strength, His Love, HE is more than sufficient to carry us through, fill in all the holes, gentle enough to comfort and wipe our tears, and fierce enough to defend and protect.  I don't know what I would do without Him.  Even when things are really bad, God is so good.

Back in March, I quit working in the horse world.  I had been in that world for about 3 years.  I knew and could feel there were going to be some big changes, I even wrote about it back then.  I can see how God was working back then and why some people are no longer in my life.  There is no way on earth I could handle time draining, life sucking people at this point in time.  I can see how God removed me from it completely so I could focus on Him, I appreciate His protection.  God has  surrounded me with wonderful people who have been a balm, and soothing to my soul.  They are prayer warriors willing to battle with me, and offer encouraging words when I need them.  It's Christ love through them, and it is comforting and beautiful.

We never know what our future holds.  I do know is that we serve a God that is unwavering, His promises are true, we can count on them...because He never changes!  Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." That is one time I can say never and really mean it!  I am so thankful for that this morning.  Wishing any of you who read this the same hope that I have in Christ.  It is for all who believe.