New Strength

We just got back from a trip to the Midwest to celebrate my in-laws 50th anniversary and a get together for a family reunion.  It was a wonderful time, although a little difficult being the first gathering since my sister in law passed, but wonderful just the same. 

Whenever all of us in-laws gather under one roof, I am reminded how vastly different we all are as humans.  God created us that way!  I am learning to celebrate differences, mostly my own.  For example...while we were there, we had 2 cabins and 29 children and about 10 adults.  We had the teenage girl's room underneath us.  We heard bumping around, mass amounts of giggling, and finally after 12:30am I was done.  I ran downstairs, opened their door and very sternly told the kids it's time to go to sleep and I better not hear another peep or kids would be sleeping on the floor of my room.  Yes.  I said that.  They really are great kids, and one of them apologized for how loud they were the night before.  Now listen, I am not all grinchy!  I know they are just having fun, and how often do cousins get to spend time like this??  Kids just being kids.  But the other side of me says...that is rude, we are paying large amounts of money for them to have a great time and so they need to be respectful and allow the adults to sleep.  Which they did, they were rockstars the rest  of the week. ;-)  For the opposite side of the spectrum, my sister in law at breakfast, who was in the room next to us says "Did you hear the girls last night?  They were giggling and giggling...it was so cute!  But, I was at some point going to tell them to calm down, but they went right to sleep after 12:30am" (hmm...I wonder why?? ;-) ;-) ) 

When standing next to my sister in law Teresa, I feel like a Grinch.  She is sweet and kind and really thinks the best of everyone.  I admire that in her.  I am not idolizing her, just admiring her.  I always wished I had a sweet demeanor like hers.   I think her picture might be next to the word sweet in the dictionary.  She is very easy to love. 

I realize that I can be nice.  I am, I feel a nice person.  Not super sweet, that isn't a word people would use to describe me.  But nice, and I really love people and I try to be a good friend.  God made me strong, not sweet.  People usually call me when they need back up in some way, like when they need the courage to go and get all their things off of someone's property and they are afraid of confrontation, or to stand next to them if they feel they might be verbally attacked, or when dealing with an out of control kiddo, or having to have a tough conversation with someone.  God gave me His strength.  I realize I abuse this gift at times, as our strengths can always be our weaknesses.  But I am not going to apologize for not being sweet, instead I thank God for making me strong.

Mentally, I hadn't been strong for a while.  I battled depression over the last 3 years.  When I worked extensively in the dressage/horse world here is when I battled it the most.  Part of it was working out in the cold rainy weather during the winter and spring months year after year, but the other half of that was listening to people back stabbing each other over and over.  It sucked me in for a while, but then just left me massively paranoid and spiraling further into depression.  When something in me broke and I couldn't do it anymore, I quit working and then right after that we had a suicide in the family and it left me completely broken. 

I can't tell you how broken I was.  I was doubled up on depression meds and clung to Jesus moment by moment to get me through my day.  I could tell you some horror stories of other things that had happened all at the same time-- But something about being at the very, very bottom helped me to heal.  Jesus doesn't waste anything.  When I couldn't control anything, and everything around me was overwhelming, it was like Jesus Himself took my face in His hands and said "Look at me."  Focusing in on His eyes and no one else's.  Making decisions with Todd for our family and not caring about what anyone else thought.  The bondage of caring about what people think came off in large chunks.  Realizing that with Jesus' strength I am perfectly capable.

I haven't been on medication for almost a year and I haven't needed it.  Removing toxic things in your life are half the battle.  Focusing on Jesus and nothing else is the other.  Realizing who God MADE you to be and celebrating it.  Your looks, your weight, nothing in society defines you.  Do you know what defines me?  I am a child of God!  I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  He created me to be ME!  I am beautiful like me, and you are beautiful like you. 

It has given me new strength, mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  I am getting ready to head into a new season of homeschooling, and instead of wilting like I normally do, I am celebrating.  I am also getting to head into a new conditioning season with my mare.  We are finally able to really prepare and condition for our first 50 mile race.  We are set up, we are ready, I am prepared mentally, physically, and it has ONLY taken 2 years...but I am ready!   I am thanking the Lord for my new strength.  Don't apologize for the gifts God has given you.  Use them for Him to bless others.