Short Lived

Meh.  Where do I begin?

It is the beginning of the year and I have a freshly paid for PNER renewed membership, new saddle, bridle, HORSE...just updated my new Alpine pass...should I throw in boarding costs, grain...shoes and soon to be teeth floating??

Can't say I am so excited about riding my spooky arab.  I haven't even been on her this week.  I did clean for her today.  But I can't say I feel any real connection or excitement about my endurance racing year when I look at her.

In my other world, I can't get excited about that horse world either.  The show season is creeping upon us.  It's a world of cut throat, stab you in the back and smile sweetly as the knife goes in. I know, I have the t-shirt.  Unfortunately, I worked for some people that don't have a good reputation.  They haven't for a good 20+ years, but I didn't know that at the time.  They played the victim role pretty well and I fell for it for a while, I worked like a dog for them, loved them.  When I realized my mistake a year later and quit, they have done and said some awful things and I was naïve about this type of people. 

One good thing I got out of that place was my dear friend that I work for today.  I love her whole family.  I feel like her family is my own family, and I have been blessed to know them and have them in my life, for sure it was God ordained.  But, this last 6 months have been a bit rough on me as far as the horse world goes.  I realize I need to get some thicker skin, but when you think someone is a friend and then they say bad things, I have a hard time shaking it and I have begun not to trust anyone.  Now don't get me wrong, she hasn't said anything about me. But as the show season approaches and knowing I have to be at the horse shows grooming and working around all of those people (and sucking it up around the people who have said things), it just simply is not somewhere I want to put myself in the middle of.  It isn't even all about me.  I even feel protective for her and you constantly have to watch your back, watch what you say to whomever, and carefully guard reputations.

It is exhausting.  I am not sure it if is because my wounds haven't really healed up yet, I took a couple of good hits...but I need a break.  I haven't fully forgiven the first blow yet and I am still bleeding out a bit.  I need to be out of it completely.  I pulled myself off of Face Book, and that has helped me some, but I need to withdraw and not see or hear any names, I don't care about whomever training whomever, saying whatever.  I had that in high school and I still don't miss it.

If I had my own property, my own trailer so I wasn't so dependent, I think I could see my dreams to reality.  It would be more private and contained.  I would condition, go to races, camp with my kids and go home.  If I had my own property I could take my kids with me and share my love for nature with them and not just keep it for myself.

But I don't.  That is the reality.

I need to put Tevis on hold for a few years.  My oldest daughter needs her mom.  I need to submit to that first calling and really parent her, love and hug her and spend time.  I feel guilt every time I spend a half of the day in the woods with my horse and dog an not my kids.

So, no more living in the horse world for me.  I am done.  Cold turkey!  I have lived in this a long time.  No more grooming, horse shows or conditioning.  There will be another day for me to live out my dream, when my kids are older.

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