Grief

The last couple of weeks have been rough.  We didn't go to church last week because I honestly couldn't talk to anyone.  I woke up in the middle of the night, dreaming about my sister...I could hear her voice and her laughing.  I didn't sleep well the rest of the night, mostly because I couldn't breathe because of crying.  I am in a weird funk of deep, dark depression and grief.

This time of year is always tough for me.  It is for most people who struggle with any sort of Seasonal affective disorder.  Mine is mostly circumstantial, and when school rolls around and the burden of educating the kiddos falls mostly on my shoulders, the burden becomes unbearable.  This year is worse.  I could hardly get out of bed this morning.  The grief and depression combined is overwhelming.

I took Heidi to the orthodontist this week.  They took her retainer out, and then said they needed to make an appointment for 6 months from now.  I almost blurted out, "What if she isn't alive in 6 months?" to the receptionist that was booking the appointment, but stopped myself before it tumbled out.  I know that seems weird, but that is where my mind is. 

I can't explain how grief feels.  It is different for everyone.  Today I picked up the phone and dialed her number automatically to chat about something on my heart.  I got half way through dialing before I realized what I was doing.  Then laid the phone down and cried. 

I loved my sister in law.  I am desperately trying not to wallow in my grief.  I thought I was okay a few weeks ago and then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I just chatted today with a good friend of Jenny's.  She loved that friend very much. I heard her talk about her in everyday conversation often.  It was healing to some degree, but so very sad at the same time.  So thankful to know sweet people my sister in law touched, but so real that she isn't here anymore.

Have you have every loved someone so much, and shared so many memories?  Were able to share your passions and blatantly disagree with certain issues, but passionately love each other as much as you might disagree...you learn what a precious gift it is!  You think you will have your entire lives to share family, friendship, deep conversations, silly ones, laughter, pride in your children, grandchildren, and see similarities in husbands, kiddos, you think you have your entire life and then it's suddenly gone...such a tragedy. 

I am not sure how to navigate around with this new path God has given me.  Tomorrow we celebrate a wedding in the family and I am so looking forward to it.  In a way it's a new life, new journey.  Looking forward to celebration, smiles and family I haven't seen in a long time. 

It will have been 2 months this Sunday since my sister has passed.  It feels like so much longer.  I realize  I have a ways to go in the grieving process, it changes and comes in different waves I have discovered.  If you happen to think about our family, would you please pray for us?  Looking forward to lighter days and times.   Very much looking forward to the wedding tomorrow.  Thankful for the new seasons life brings, God is so good to us.