This is my brother that lost his wife to suicide nearly 3 years ago, he was left raising 15 kids on his own. Who has a story like that? Well...he does...we do...it happened to him and he lives it everyday, but it also happened to all of us.
Many people don't like their in-laws. Many people do not have close relationships with their in-laws,or barely know them. That isn't the case with ours. We love each other deeply. My sisters-in-law have poured into my life. First and foremost, we have Christ in common. We have been pregnant together, been to each other's weddings, discussed parenting methods and information of what works and what doesn't, cried with us over marriage issues (or less things like our kid's feelings being hurt), and grieved together.
What is this amazing news? He has found someone and has been dating her privately for the last 3 months! Ok...first off...how amazing is this woman to not high-tail it out of there when she finds out he has 15 kids??? She is a lover of Jesus!!! And, of course, Brad is moving towards marriage. He would never invest his children's hearts unless he was thinking it was a for sure deal. A new sister in law to love! It's pretty exciting!
I couldn't be more excited for him. Truly. Someone to do life with! He loved being married, and he loved Jenny well. He deserves to be loved and cherished. I have a few thoughts about this in retrospect. It must be interesting thinking about spending life with someone who is healthy/well, not that he ever faulted Jenny for being sick! But, it had to be exhausting mentally at times worrying about her and her harming herself. We all kept watch and made our minds up to inform each other if we saw her illness spiraling out of control. I remember one day praying for her while I was doing the dishes. I was worried about being all the way here in Seattle and not being able to get to her, or notice if she was on the downward side of her illness. Then I said to myself...God loves her more than me, He will take care of her. God could have stopped my sister from suicide. But He did not. I will see her in heaven again. She is there with a new and perfect body, and I am glad she isn't suffering anymore.
I think being all the way over here on the West coast and not living near them makes grieving a more drawn out process. Every day, my brother in law gets up and takes care of his family and every single day she is not there. For me, I am still in the process of...say...if I were to go to visit in their town, I still have to mentally prepare myself that when I step into the house, she will not be there to greet me like she always had been. Since she has passed, there still is not one, single day that I do not think of her. I miss her terribly, she was one of my most favorite people and one of my best friends. How lucky am I to have a sister in law like that? But, even though I know in my head she is gone, I don't live with that reality blaring in my face every day.
So, that being said...after I got my brother in law's news, first I was super happy!!! Really??? This is amazing!!! God had given Brad the desire in his heart to be married again and then is providing for him!!! Very awesome. Then in the very next second I am bawling like a baby! Why?? Change is hard! Brad and Jenny were a unit, they were one and yes they are family...but they are some of our very best friends. My mind thinks...will it ever be like that again? Will I ever have that connection again with Brad and his new wife? I think there is a little fear there, or just hesitation of letting go of what was. It's another loss. Or, more like really, really having to let go for good. I'm just getting used to the idea of not having her here, just settling into that and accepting that change... and then being catapulted into another change that seems so final. My heart breaks for Jenny's sister 100 times worse than my own feelings! I know she is going through the roller coaster of emotions. She has played the role of a mother to those kiddos from the very beginning. She loves each of them like her very own, and with the change comes a huge unknown, and that can be scary and difficult.
It has opened a new layer of grief. A title wave actually. Have you ever cried so much that your eye lids are so poofy and it looks like you barely have eyelashes? Ugh. For the last couple of weeks I have random outbursts of tears. My husband is very kind and patient with me. Please know that my grief is completely separate and unrelated to how happy I am for my brother in law. Even so, it doesn't matter one iota what I think! It isn't any of my business. It is his life, it's just so kind of him to share it with us, we love him and the kids so much.
We welcome a new sister with open arms. We give all we have to give, even though it could mean getting hurt. Grieving like this means I loved greatly, and I wouldn't take it back, I wouldn't change a thing. What a wonderful gift to have someone in your life that you have that sort of relationship/friendship with and have it fully reciprocated. I loved her like David loved Jonathan.
Nothing will replace her. But I am looking forward to possibly doing life with a new sister! It's not how I thought it would turn out, but God wasn't surprised. He has already written Brad's story. I am excited to see it unfold.
So for now, I am processing all this new and exciting information. I'm still battling grief, that's ok...my Lord cries with me. I will be able to conquer all these emotions with time.
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