Struggle

I got a really sweet text from my late sister in law's mom yesterday evening. I went to work at 1pm  and didn't see it until I got home at almost 10 pm. I didn't bring my phone in with me to work yesterday. I might be the only person in history left who a) doesn't have an Iphone, and b) doesn't know where my prehistoric phone is half the time, and the other half of the time it isn't charged. Drives some of my friends batty, but I yearn for days in the past when people weren't so 'connected'. They might be connected online, but we live in an age where the deep human connection  and interaction doesn't really exist, and people's random thoughts are conditioned to be their next social media status update.

I write on here, but I am not sure I really care to be on Facebook or any other social media site. I was off 3 years ago and got back on to connect with family after Jenny passed.

So, I am up at 4 am writing this particular post. The text that Jenny's mom wrote me was saying how she prayed for me and asked me how I was doing in regards to Brad's new girlfriend. ( Can I just add how much I love Jenny's family?! Who has a relationship with their sister in law's mom or sister?? Truly, they are my family! They are so special to me!)

Brad's new relationship is where I struggle, and it really has nothing to do with her.

It doesn't matter that I struggle or what my feelings are, honestly. But, here I can try and write to figure out my own grief and reservations. Bear with me as I navigate through uncharted territory.

 Jenny and Brad were some of the few closest friends as married couple to married couple that we had. But, it was special because they are/were  family. So bringing in a possible new sister in law leaves me struggling to figure out what that new relationship will be like. As married couples or even individually. Or if there will be one at all? I have a sister in law in Canada, I only see her at family gatherings but never talk to her any other time. I don't dislike her in anyway, but we aren't warm and cozy. Since we live our lives way here out in Seattle, I think I am sad that there is a good chance it will be a relationship similar to my sister in law in Canada. Being realistic, I know the time I have with my preteen and teenage kids is coming to an end, and how much running around I do for them. Between my husband, kids, work, and friendships I have here that I also need to nurture, I dont think I will have the time or energy to put into creating a deep bond with someone so far away.  I am not dismissing it in any way before it begins, I am just wading through all my thoughts. I am also sure it is the same on her end. I know Jenny is gone. I know I won't see her again here on earth. I just didn't expect to grieve so hard moving forward. I grieved the loss of a relationship individually, and I grieve the loss of our relationship as a couple and I didn't see that coming. It's the last layer of grief to deal with.

Saying goodbye to these things is hard. I woke myself up crying in my sleep last night. I had a dream I was telling a friend how I felt and I couldn't really get the words out to explain why I was grieving or the deep sorrow I felt. I just remember my friend grabbing my hands and rubbing them in between theirs in my dream and there were no words exchanged, but it comforted me.

It's getting easier and I am not crying every other minute, thank goodness!!! It's embarrassing to get to work and not be able to control it. My boss sent me home last Friday because I was a weeping mess. I can talk about it now without crying, mostly 😜. Then the closing song at church last Sunday morning was 'It Is Well With My Soul.' They played that at Jenny's funeral and every time I hear it, it makes me a little emotional. Especially remembering Brad weeping with one arm around Ari who was whaling and one arm stretched out to heaven as we sang it between sobs and tears running down our cheeks.

We simply were not made to grieve. It's a consequence of sin. So, I praise the Lord for my brother who has found a new love in his life. He has a twinkle in his eye that I haven't seen in a long while, and that fills my heart with gratitude and joy.

I'm just struggling to figure out where I fit in all of it, or if I don't, I suppose either is just fine. I'm grieving what was, and that's OK too, it never will be again. But it is Brad's joy that comforts my broken heart. It's OK to wade through these emotions, I loved deeply and I hurt because of it and I would not take it back.

Cheers to moving on to a new season of life! Even though it comes like a conveyor belt, moving forward continuously, whether I am ready for it or not.