Change

        So, this is supposed to be about my journey to Tevis and riding and conditioning my horse...that is why I created this blog.  But, I am getting nothing done at the moment.  I really like my little mare.  She is kind and has a big heart that tries for me and I really do appreciate that.  I read about a lady who spent a year at home just building her own confidence, learning to ride better and getting to know her horse before starting up conditioning for this year.  So, I think that is what I will do for the moment.  But things do change from day to day.  I won't do anything with my mare in haste.

On my journey to Tevis, (which really, REALLY is my goal some day)  might be scratched for now, but living my life day to day before I get there really is my journey.  So if you don't like to hear about life and hard lessons, don't read this blog.

Today I spent time at a friend's house and my girls got to play and hang out with her kids.  Every time I go and spend time with her,  I am uplifted and my priorities shift for the better.  The last time I went to spend time, I ended up hanging out with her mom.  They come to our small group/bible study on Tuesdays, and I utterly respect her Godly wisdom.  I was in a weird spot where I was burned out with kids and homeschooling.  By the time I was done chatting with her, my spirit was renewed and I was ready to tackle another year at home with my kids instead of putting them in public school like I had planned on when I got to her house.

I spent chatting in length with my friend, the battles we face today in raising children up for the Lord.  My friend in tears over her hardships of parenting, and I myself in that same boat whole-heartedly understanding the battle.  It was vulnerable, yet safe.  We both agreed that we are desperate before God in our parenting.  DESPERATE!  We can't guard or keep them fully safe from sinful things or thoughts or actions.  But on our knees we pray before the Lord to help us, guide us, and keep our children.  It is only by his guidance and help, we can not do it on our own.  It is humbling.

So thankful for this God I serve who cherishes me enough to give up His son on a cross for my sin.  I am wicked everyday, yet there is Jesus defending me to the Father against my accuser Satan for the things I have done/do  yet, my sins are covered by his blood.  I am thankful! 

The last couple of days have been interesting for me.  I have quit a life I have been very busy in for the last 2 1/2 years.  For sure it could have been handled better.  I said the things I had to say, although I am not sure I was understood completely and feel the need to re-word it.  But, what is done is done and I prayed last night and this morning that God would use my words anyways, even if I didn't say them well.  I know He will.  I prayed Satan's accusations and manipulation of my words in thoughts would be quieted and God's still voice would reign.  Relationships in life aren't always easy, and these last few days I have re-evaluated much.

I have given my children too much freedom.  Particularly the oldest.  That is a mistake of mine.  If I hadn't abruptly stopped my recent life, I don't think I could have noticed some priorities that need to change.  It's dire in every way.  It's my first calling and I have been selfish.  I think about the world of horse training that I have lived in for a while.  While, it is a beautiful luxury to have a horse trained and certainly a difficult craft to master, it is trivial in my world and shallow.  Horse shows do not take precedent over child rearing and relationship building with them.  A lady in our church lost her baby, our church is pulling together to bring her meals.  Many stories like that in our church body and community, horses are not important at this time to me.  For that I have been very wrong. 

So, I am beginning to navigate around in my new life.  I am slowing way down, I am enjoying my mare in the arena.  I rode her bareback yesterday with a halter and lead rope.  I am thankful I can afford that luxury at this time.  My daughter worked with me the other day and it was really nice working beside her as we washed my mare for her first bath of the year.  We spent today visiting people we wouldn't normally have time for, but it was so, so good!

Sometimes temporary breaks in relationships allow for other things to grow and blossom.  It is a necessary part of life.  Not saying it isn't brutally painful, but God can use that too.  He is good like that. :-)  I am excited to see what a year will bring.  Sometimes change is very hard on many levels, but change doesn't mean tragedy, it can simply mean change.  I can already see how in many ways there will be much change for the better.